The Family Dynamics of It All

If you work with families long enough, you start to notice a pattern: philanthropy is often where unresolved family dynamics show up most clearly.

I’ve watched one family member carry the weight of the work “for the good of the mission,” while pushing others out until they slowly disengage. I’ve seen control reframed as protecting the legacy. On the surface, these moments look like disagreements about strategy. In reality, they’re often about power, identity, and roles that were defined long before anyone drafted a grantmaking framework.

Philanthropy becomes the arena because it’s one of the few (if not, the only) structured places families gather to make decisions together about money and values. If there are unresolved dynamics, they pop right up. This is where advisors often feel stuck. You can improve the strategy, refine the mission, or adjust the grant process…and still sense that the tension in the room hasn’t shifted.

That’s usually because the decision-making patterns underneath haven’t shifted. Who actually holds authority? Who feels heard? Who is carrying responsibility without real ownership?

In my work with private family foundations, I think about process as a stabilizing infrastructure. When participation is clearly defined and decision-making authority is explicit and shared in a way that feels real, philanthropy stops absorbing dynamics it was never meant to carry. These are the moments where a neutral philanthropic advisor can make the biggest difference.